Reflections

In my early adulthood, I was very naive and I believed almost anything that people told me. I had come to the point where I wanted to live for God. Understand, that this was not God’s fault, but a lack of understanding on my own part. A lack of understanding human nature.

I did not realize, at the time, that people are good and bad. People are honest and dishonest. When and why? That’s for the individual to choose when they so chose. Some will state, “I always keep it real.” I think that we all can say that none of us do that all of the time. It just isn’t true. The truth is that we have all done things that we are not proud of. We have all been in situations that we wish that we had never faced. Many say that they have no regrets. If you can honestly say that you would have done not one thing different, then I’m not talk to you. I, unfortunately or even fortunately, cannot say the same.

There was much that I did not know. I take the position that we can only do what we know. After enough happened, after I saw the same continual patterns within my own life, I decided to do something different. I decided to go on a quest. A quest of learning. I had accepted that I just did not know enough. I accepted that I needed to figure out life for myself.

After a time, I had begun to read. I read all that I could. Reading places your brain in an active state, unlike watching videos or movies which places your brain in a passive state. I was so amazed, bewildered, and any other term that you can find, after I had read some of the material that I had read (much of which the churches that I attended said stay away from) that I had begun to contact the authors of the material directly. I had got on Facebook, and even contacted authors via e-mail to discuss with them that I had read their material and to ask questions. To my amazement, they all got back to me. Some of those authors I still talk to til’ this day.

I had seen where some talked about the world is as you imagine it. I only had accepted that, over time, for perhaps your own life. The broader world will never be as I imagine it. I still have to have a means of income, pay bills, eat, etc. My imagination is to change those things. Now, how I view the past, the present, and what I expect for tomorrow can all be left up to how I see coupled with what I decide to do. This is what I accepted.

I went through the hard way for learning what was right and wrong for myself. I was married for many years and had children. But I must be honest. While growing up, I didn’t have a good model of a husband and a father. This is not to place my father on blast. After many years, he discussed with me his own upbringing. That discussion aided me later in at least being present and active within my own children’s lives. I did what I knew and could. I would get up in the middle of the night to be there for my babies. I would drop them off and pick them up. I loved, still love, and will always love my children. But their mother and I were too different. I learned over time even some good things come to an end. What does that say about the bad ones? They also come to an end.

My story is like many in scope, but not in details. I experienced things, specifically, that I haven’t come across a single individual until this day that can identify with. Some would even wonder how I am still sane. They may even take the position that I am not sane. I would understand why. I shared my story with many people over the years. When I got into the gory details, I unanimously got a resounding pin drop. I guess when you don’t know what to say, it is best to just say nothing. This, after a while, made me feel and think that many just did not care. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.

What do you do when you have a story that no one can identify with? When your life was normal as it could be on one side and for a time, but then on the other side and at a different time it was almost completely antithetical? When you finally realize that your victim-hood was your own fault. Your upbringing fostered it, but as an adult blaming mommy and daddy is quite ludicrous. You look around and see others doing better. Others showing better. They look at you but in a downward way. Yet on the outside, you’re attractive. You have a good education and job. You live in a decent area. But something seems still off about you. You are law-abiding. You are kind, compassionate, loyal, and even helpful. But it still seems that people have a problem with you. Not everyone, but enough people. How do you explain this?

My story begins with what led me to becoming so “learned.” If you in fact see me that way. It is the reason why I embarked upon a journey of learning. Learning life in general. I wanted to get away from guessing as well as relying upon others due to the fact that it had gotten me into so much trouble in the past. People are mixed bags as Michael Douglass told us in “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.” We indeed are.

My mixed bag is no more nor less mixed than yours. I am still learning, growing, and expanding. I will be doing this until it is time to crossover to the other side. Whenever that may be. I do hope that my story enriches you. I hope that you tell your own. There is someone who desires to know it. If we can help some of us, then that will be a well done service to humanity. Our own way of giving back.